Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
