I'm lost and stupid without you.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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