Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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