Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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