If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize