I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
