I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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