margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
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