i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
