Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
