Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize