I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
A bitchslap is in order.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
