Welp...herpes.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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