I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
