I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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