There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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