Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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