At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
they need to just BURY HIM!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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