All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize