Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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