I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
