Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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