I can feel you judging me through the phone.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
being pregnant is like rehab
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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