your parents love me but you hate me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
