I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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