Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize