Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
