I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
