life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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