I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
