dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
