Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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