How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
