a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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