Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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