Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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