I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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