So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
