I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
