Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Houston, we have a squirter
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
