Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I need a beard to bite.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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