Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Still dying that you shit outside
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
