My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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