I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
