Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
