I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
