textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
