Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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