Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Why can't burritos get me drunk
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
