I'm drive I can fine osifer
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
