But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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