I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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