I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize