There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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