i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
