Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
