A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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