Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
