Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Randomize