They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think my fart just growled at me.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
