i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize